The Real Sherwood Forest
by sunnyday30
Summary: Crack, AU fic, set somewhere in the beginning of series 1. Quite short and very silly, will hopefully make you smile.


****A/N: This was written for my husband to amuse him and includes some of the things he finds particularly funny/silly in the show, it also includes Isabella because he fancies her, even though it is set in series 1. Therefore please assume she never married or ran away at an earlier date. **  
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The Real Sherwood Forest 

Guy of Gisborne felt really stupid and cross. He was the second most important man in Nottingham, after the Sheriff, yet he was forced to wear clothes he was sure hadn't been invented yet. They were most uncomfortable in the hot, summer sun, he was sure they made him sweat too much and that was putting off the lovely Lady Marian.

* * *

><p>Robin Hood was feeling pleased with himself, he had managed to style his hair in that way all young men from Manchester – sorry, Nottingham – did about eight hundred years early, despite being an outlaw. This ought to impress the Lady Marian. Mind you, he'd have to use some of that special potion for your armpits he'd discovered in The Orient or he'd get all sweaty and she wouldn't like that.<p>

'Much,' Robin cried to his faithful servant, 'get your weapons ready, we're paying a visit to Knighton.'

* * *

><p>Guy was still cross when he got home. It had been a bad morning, it was always a bad morning. He'd been shouted at by the Sheriff, spent a tedious hour holding his toe nail polish and an even more tedious hour feeding Vaisey's caged birds. Now he was home he'd shouted at some servants to make himself feel better, but it hadn't worked. He knew what he needed.<p>

Guy sneaked up to Isabella's room and opened the small wooden box on her dressing table. Just as he knew it would be, the kohl pencil was there. He lifted it and carefully drew a thick line under each eye, then a little on the lids. Yes, that was better, now he had proper, menacing eyes befitting an evil henchman.

Just as Guy was considering adding a little mascara, to really lift those lashes, he felt the cold, metal tip of a knife at his throat. He froze.

'Caught in the act,' came Isabella's voice, as she somehow managed to bind his hands.

'Get off me! Get off me!' he cried forcefully. Guy was really sick of getting tied up, he sometimes wondered if the powers that be had some bondage fantasy about him, what with all this leather and shackling.

'That eyeliner costs a lot of money, Guy. I thought the servants were stealing it, but it's you!'

'I'll buy you some more. Isabella, let me go or I'll . . . I'll . . .'

'Oh, be off with you,' she laughed, cutting his purse from his belt before untying him and making a hasty getaway. 'I'm off to see a friend!' she called over her shoulder.

Guy snarled and sneered and balled his fists, then remembering there was no one to see him being cross he stormed out of the house. He was going to go to see Marian. Maybe she'd appreciate the effort he'd gone to with his eyes.

* * *

><p>Robin was climbing up the timbers of Knighton Hall, much to the consternation of his friend.<p>

'Can't you use the door like normal people?' Much asked. 'You might fall and then what will we all do?'

'Any man can use a door, Marian will be really impressed I can climb up to her window.'

'Will she?'

'Yes! Trust me,' Robin grinned.

Robin was feeling pleased with himself, he'd done his hair in a really cool way, despite being an outlaw, he'd climbed up to her window and he reckoned he had some really good chat up lines that she'd love. Marian would definitely agree to go out with him today, after all, who else would she go out with? That goth horror Gisborne, in his kinky, bondage leathers and girl's eyeliner?

* * *

><p>Marian had three visitors that day. When the second came knocking at her window, she hid the first in her dressing room, right at the back with her Nightwatchman's outfit. When she'd safely stowed away her secret guest she ran to the window.<p>

'Robin, what are you doing?' she sighed, irritated that he'd not even used the front door.

'Just dropping in on you,'

'Well don't. I'm busy,' Marian tried to use her most annoyed, stroppy tone. When would he get the message? His charms had ceased to work on her a long time ago.

'You don't mean that, Marian,'

'Yes, I do.'

'Have you noticed my hair?'

'It must have taken you all morning; shouldn't you be robbing the rich to feed the poor instead of making sure your fringe is in the right place?'

Robin's face fell, he was sure she would love his hair cut. He thought it was great.

There was suddenly a thunder of hooves approaching the house and in the distance Guy of Gisborne came into view.

'Quick, go! If you're seen here you'll put my father in danger, go!' she hissed as Robin dropped to the ground, his face full of disappointment.

'I told you, you should've used the door,' Much said, pleased to be right for once.

'Don't, Much,' Robin said dejectedly as he and his friend trudged back to the forest.

* * *

><p>Marian quickly made her way downstairs in order to greet her third guest of the day.<p>

'Sir Guy, to what do I owe the honour?' she said in her most unenthusiastic tone.

'Marian,' Guy said in a deep, husky tone, because women liked that, right?

'Yes?' Marian asked raising her eyebrow.

'You are . . . I mean to say, you mean a great deal to me and I wanted to present you with a gift,' Guy handed her a small pouch. Marian took it tentatively; she opened it and lifted out the contents. Two tiny, leather belts.

'You bring too many gifts, Sir Guy,'

'Bracelets, my Lady,' Guy explained, seeing her puzzled expression.

'Leather bracelets? That's certainly a new one,' she said, incredulous at the little leather straps in her hands.

'You don't like them,' Guy blurted, he was cross again, he'd taken a long time choosing those bracelets, he thought they'd look really cool on her, like his furry cape did on him.

'No, I like them, they are unusual, that is all . . .' Marian was lost for words.

'Put them on,' Guy commanded.

Marian was about to ask how they fastened, when a well timed clatter from upstairs disturbed them. Seizing her chance Marian thrust the 'bracelets' back in Guy's hands.

'Quick, you must leave, my father wakes,'

'Your father won't mind me being here, I am the second most important man in Nottingham.'

'And you have been wooing me unchaperoned. Sir Guy, if my father catches me alone with a gentleman again he has threatened to send me to a convent.'

Guy considered, he didn't want Marian to go to a convent. He was pretty sure she wouldn't be allowed to wear those bracelets in a convent.

'Ok, I'm going,' he agreed grudgingly, he was very, very cross now.

And with that Marian was rid of her second unwanted visitor of the day. She watched until Guy was out of sight and then quickly climbed the stairs.

* * *

><p>'Is he gone?' her first visitor asked, pleased the distraction had worked.<p>

'Yes, finally, he tried to give me these weird, leather bracelets and Robin thinks I'm going to fall at his feet because he's maintained an indie boy haircut in Sherwood Forest.

'Uh, men!'

'I know, an absolute pain. Can't they see I'm not interested?'

'But what are you interested in?'

'Oh, I think you know,' Marian said with a saucy smile in the direction of the figure emerging from her dressing room. 'Ummm, that's a dressing room, not an undressing room, but I'm not complaining.' Marian licked her lips as she appraised the naked figure in front of her.

'Maybe you'd like to take a closer look?' Isabella smiled as she pulled the clips from Marian's hair and captured her lips.

'I certainly would,' Marian said huskily, her eyes at last alive with the lust that both claimants to the Lordship of Locksley had failed to elicit.

As she shed her dress and fell onto the bed with her lover, Marian decided it was going to be an enjoyable day after all.

_The End._


End file.
